


nothing to win and nothing left to lose

by lj0803



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Crying, F/M, First Love, Flashbacks, Fluff, Heartbreak, I cried while writing this, I did my best, It gets better I promise, Loss of Virginity, Non-Graphic Smut, POV First Person, To me anyway, You'll see what I mean, a lot of it, at least i hope so, because some of it is painfully relatable, brief mentions of a couple others, but enough about me, flashbacks are in italics, forgive me there’s a lot of angst, friend jihoon, high school sweethearts if you squint I guess, lots of time skips because I’m lazy, no y/n because y/n is for squares, pls forgive if it starts out boring, so are text messages and the other person in phone calls, soonyoung is an asshole for a while there, summary kinda sucks sorry lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29597943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lj0803/pseuds/lj0803
Summary: The anatomy of a break up.Kind of.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Original Character(s), Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Reader
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

_"I don't think I can keep doing this."_

My vision blurry with unshed tears, I quickly pressed send before I could talk myself out of it. Heart racing, I waited for him to respond.

**S** : _I don't think I can, either._

I squeezed my eyes shut, tears falling down my face and dripping onto my shirt. Wiping my face, I typed up a response.

**Me** : _I'm sorry, I'm just tired of hoping for you to change and it never happens._

We had grown more distant recently, and I couldn't quite pinpoint the exact reason why. Maybe it was the fact that he was settled into a career and I was taking my time, still figuring things out. Maybe it was because I wasn't ready for marriage yet. His lack of communication didn't help matters. He had never been good at that.

**S** : _You never change either, but ok._

I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt. I felt like I had tried to grow as a person, to work out the bad habits that were damaging to our relationship. But I suppose I had failed, too.

**Me** : _Are we done?_

I just wanted him to say it. I just wanted this conversation to be over so I could grieve what I already knew was, ultimately, a failed relationship.

**S** : _That's your call._

I wanted to scream. _Really, Soonyoung?_ I hated how detached he sounded. He was always this way when he was upset.

**Me** : _Fine, I guess it is. We can still be friends though, if you want._

We had started off as good friends, progressing into boyfriend and girlfriend after a couple of years. I had always felt that our friendship provided a good foundation for our relationship since we had already known each other decently well before dating. But would that friendship continue even after a breakup?

**S** : _Maybe. Let's just see how this goes first._

"This" meaning "post-breakup life." It hurt, the possibility of him not wanting to remain friends. But I suppose that was his right, after all.

**Me** : _Ok. Goodbye, I guess._

**S** : _Goodbye. Take care._

I couldn't bring myself to respond. I suppose I didn't really need to, anyway.

Sighing, I grabbed my things and stepped out of my car. Yes, my boyfriend and I had just broken up over text, and yes, I had been sitting in my car in the driveway the entire time. Lame, I know, but I didn't think I could have brought myself to hear his voice as we ended things.

I let myself into the house, thankful no one else would be home for a little while, and headed straight for my room, changing into something more comfortable. I sat on my bed, drawing my knees up to my chest and hugging them against my body. I sniffled as the tears began coming fast.

Five years.

Five years we had been together. Five years of memories, five years of growing together. It was over now.

No more _good morning_ texts, no more of him asking how my day went, no more complaining to him about my rough day at work, no more confiding in him about anything and everything. No more holding hands just because, no more hanging out just to see each other, no more simply driving around because we had nothing better to do.

It sucked. I didn't really know what to do. He had been a constant in my life since I was 16. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love. I felt lost.

I looked up as I heard the front door open and close downstairs, knowing my sister was now home. As she made her way up the stairs, she must have heard me sniffling. She stopped outside my door.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kira asked. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," I mumbled.

She pushed open my door and sat on the edge of my bed. "What's wrong?" she asked again.

I wiped my face. "We broke up."

She nodded, unsurprised. She had been aware of our relationship problems for a short while now. "I'm sorry. I know that must be rough. But maybe it'll be good for you guys to take a break."

I sighed. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. "Maybe," I said, unconvinced.

Once she had left for her own room, I headed back downstairs to find some leftovers for lunch before returning to my bed to take a nap, but not before sending a quick text to Jihoon to let him know what had happened. As my best friend, he deserved to know.

I fell asleep, my mind going over and over the previous evening, the last Soonyoung and I would see of each other for quite a while.

_Soonyoung had arrived at my house a couple hours ago. My parents were out of town for the weekend and my sister wasn't home from class yet, so we were alone. Well, besides the cats._

_We had spent the majority of our time that evening just sitting next to each other, on our phones, not talking much except to show the other a dank meme or funny video as we so often did. Most of the time I was content with this, just sitting together, enjoying each other's company. But tonight, I felt like doing something._

_"Hey Soonyoung, you want to go out and get something to eat?" I asked, expecting him to agree. He enjoyed eating._

_He didn't look up from his phone. "Nah, not really."_

_"Oh." I frowned. "Why not?"_

_"I just don't feel like going out, is all."_

_"But you drove all the way down here, why don't we go do something?" He had recently purchased his first house, and it was an even longer drive to my house than from his parents' place, about forty_ _minutes. It was sometimes an effort for us to see each other, and for that reason, I was baffled at his attitude._

_"I just don't want to."_

_"But..." I exhaled, feeling dejected. What was his problem?_

_It was quiet for a moment before I spoke again. "Are you sure we can't just eat and come right back? We don't have to be gone long."_

_He sighed and looked up at me, face pinched in annoyance. "Why do you keep asking? I told you..."_

_"I know, but... I just thought you'd want to do something." I couldn't hide the disappointment from my voice._

_"I'm sorry, I just don't tonight."_

_I nodded, frowning. "Alright."_

_We sat in an awkward silence for another several minutes, him scrolling through his phone again and me staring down at my lap, fidgeting with my hands._

_Then, he abruptly stood up, pocketing his phone and grabbing his keys from the table beside us. "I guess I better go."_

_I frowned, standing up next to him. "What? Why? You haven't even been here that long."_

_"Yeah, but..." He gestured meaninglessly, avoiding my eyes. "I just feel like going home."_

_"Oh," I said, feeling hurt. "Is something wrong?"_

_"No, nothing is wrong," he said, irritation lacing his voice. "I just want to go home."_

_"I see."_

_He exhaled loudly. "Don't be like this."_

_I looked at him, confused. "Like what?"_

_"You're trying to make me feel guilty."_

_Was I?_

_"I'm not trying to guilt you. I just don't understand."_

_"There is nothing to understand! I'm just tired, okay? Just let it go!" He was visibly frustrated with me now._

_I felt tears beginning to form as I looked him in the eye. "Okay, fine. Go then."_

_And then, without another word, he left, leaving me feeling more confused than ever._


	2. Chapter 2

Two months passed.

I tried to indulge myself in hobbies to distract myself. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself _quirky_ , but sometimes I felt as if I had interests that most other people didn't care for, like visiting cemeteries. I had always liked classical music, like Beethoven and Mozart and all that good stuff, so I tried listening to that more and more. I also began practicing piano again, something I hadn't really done in a couple years. Realizing how much I sucked was kind of depressing, but you have to start, or in this case start again, somewhere.

I also took joy in my weekly venture to volunteer at a local cat shelter. Along with cleaning cages, I got to socialize with the kitties and play with them. It gave me a sense of pride in knowing I was helping homeless kitties find homes.

I was beginning to adjust to my new normal without Soonyoung.

Then, one evening, out of nowhere, he texted me.

**S** : _How are you doing?_

How _was_ I doing? Thinking, I supposed I was doing alright, even though I missed him a lot. But I wasn't going to say that right off the bat. I didn’t want to sound _desperate_ or anything.

**Me** : _I'm doing ok, I guess. You?_

**S** : _I miss you._

I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. Had I known it would come to this? No. But I had sort of hoped that it would.

**Me** : _I miss you too._

It took him a few minutes to respond.

**S** : _Can I come see you?_

My heart rate inched up in excitement. _He wants to see me._ The only thing was, I wasn't actually home. I had been pet sitting in the next town over from mine for almost a week now. He had visited me once before, maybe half a year ago, when I was staying here. Maybe he'd remember the way.

**Me** : _Sure, but I'm not home. Do you remember when I was dog sitting last year? That's where I am now._

**S** : _I'm on my way._

Soonyoung really never wasted any time when he put his mind to something.

I was excited, yet nervous. I hadn't seen him or talked to him in two months. And now, this. I scrolled away on my phone, trying to distract myself until he got here.

I was notified of his arrival about forty-five minutes later by Zora perking her ears up and barking quite loudly, running to the door to inspect the newcomer. Heart rate increasing again, I walked over and opened the door, revealing Soonyoung, dark hair slightly damp from the rain.

Zora continued to bark as I let him in, sniffing him up and down. "Down, girl. It's okay. He's a friend." I reached over to grab a treat and handed it to her, the calming effect nearly instantaneous as she lay down to chew on it.

I finally turned around to face Soonyoung, who had removed his shoes and jacket. "Hey," I said, giving him a small smile.

Instead of answering, he walked over and wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him back, tears inexplicably forming as I inhaled his familiar earthy scent.

"I really missed you," he said, pulling away.

I nodded, knowing I'd start crying if I said the words myself.

I led him over to the couch, where we sat and talked for a while, almost like old times. _Almost_. He asked about what I'd been doing with myself and how my job was going, and in return, I asked him about his, genuinely interested. I worked up the nerve to show him something funny I had seen on Reddit that morning, and, as we laughed together, I felt us both becoming more relaxed in each other's presence once again.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, he turned to me, his face serious. "So, listen..." he began.

I faced him, giving him my full attention.

He continued. "I wanted to talk to you. I was hoping we could work on things. That is, if you're willing to give this another chance." He looked up at me, hopefulness filling his face.

This is exactly what I wanted him to say, yet, somehow, I couldn't bring myself to instantly jump at the opportunity to fix things. My heart hurt from the breakup, and I felt it still needed some time. I didn't want to rush anything while my heart was still so fragile.

"I need time," I told him, looking at my hands. "We can try again, but can you give me a little while? I just don't know if I'm ready yet."

He nodded. "I understand."

He stood up, as if to leave, and I followed suit. Taking my hands in his, he earnestly met my eyes. "When you're ready, I'll be here, okay?"

I gave him a small smile. "Okay."

As he leaned in to kiss me, I turned my head, letting his lips graze my cheek instead.

Soonyoung lingered for a few minutes after that, hesitant to leave. When he finally did, he pulled me in for one last hug, saying, "Let's talk again soon, okay?"

I smiled, nodding. "I'd like that."

I waved as he walked to his car, my heart full. I felt hopeful.

We began talking regularly after that, almost like old friends. The two of us would text each other about random little things again, complaining to each other about both the mundane and shitty things in life, but also reveling in the good things that happened. Sometimes, when I knew he was home, I would video call him just to see his face as he walked around his house or played some video game he was currently into.

It was another couple of months before I saw him in person again. One day, I hesitantly asked if I could come by and see him, and he said yes.

I slipped into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, telling my parents where I was headed as I walked out the door. They gave me a strange look, but didn't question it.

When I arrived at his house, I saw there were two cars in the driveway, and remembered that he had a roommate now. Wonwoo, he had said his name was.

I knocked on the back door, and it didn't take long for Soonyoung to let me in.

"Hey," he greeted me.

I nodded, smiling, and stepped inside behind him.

After he introduced Wonwoo and I to each other, I realized I was quite hungry.

Turning to Soonyoung, I asked, "Do you have anything I could eat? I forgot to have lunch earlier."

He gave me a look and scratched the back of his neck, and I knew that meant the answer was _no_ , at least nothing of nutritious value.

_Men_ , I thought, shaking my head and walking into the kitchen to search for myself.

Wonwoo stood to the side, doing his own thing, only speaking up to voice his disgust as I microwaved some toaster waffles.

"That's gross," he said to me, wrinkling his nose as I put the plate on the dining table and sat down. "They're all soggy."

He was right, they _were_ soggy. But I liked them that way. I shook my head in response, not bothering to defend myself as Soonyoung, all too familiar with my strange eating habits, just laughed.

Visibly traumatized, Wonwoo left to sit in the living room and turned on the TV.

Once I finished eating and stood to throw my plate away, Soonyoung came up behind me, placing his hands on my waist and leaning in so that his mouth was next to my ear. I suddenly felt warm.

"You wanna go upstairs?" he asked quietly.

I raised my eyebrows, knowing that his bedroom was up there.

Likely sensing my hesitation, he added, "You know, since Wonwoo's down here."

I nodded, agreeing. I didn't want his roommate to feel uncomfortable.

I followed him as his arms left my waist, Wonwoo giving us a look as we headed up the stairs. I could only imagine what he was thinking.


	3. Chapter 3

Soonyoung's room was just as messy as the last time I had seen it, clothes all over the floor and random water bottles everywhere in varying stages of emptiness.

I supposed I had no room to talk, though, as my room back at home was largely the same, minus the bottles.

He plopped down on his bed, leaning back on his elbows and gesturing for me to join him. I sat on the bed and lay down as he wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling into my shoulder. "I missed this," he whispered.

We lay that way for a while, listening to each other breathe, not saying anything. His hand sneaked up under the hem of my shirt, fingers beginning to draw circles on my hip.

He finally spoke up, voice quiet. "Do you ever wish we could, you _know_..."

As I felt him lightly pinch the skin above my hip, I knew exactly where this was going. I turned my head to the side to look at him, his face wearing an expression of innocence despite the conversation he was broaching.

We weren't even dating, not that it would've made a difference.

"Soonyoung, we've..."

"Yes, I know we've talked about it, but do you ever, you know, just _want_ it?"

I frowned. I knew he had these thoughts, and of course, I did too. We _were_ human, after all.

"Of course I want it, but it's not about that," I said, moving his hand from under my shirt.

He pouted.

Coming from a religious family, I had made that boundary clear to him at the very beginning. _No sex until I'm married._ Soonyoung had always been understanding of that and had never tried to push me. His family was churchgoing as well, though he took the whole religious thing less seriously than I did.

I was a virgin and so was he. He had had one serious girlfriend before me, but had told me he hadn't done anything with her, and I saw no reason to disbelieve him. Not that it really would’ve made much difference to me if he _had_.

Of course I'd had thoughts. Probably more than I'd like to admit. Soonyoung was attractive, and sometimes it was difficult to be patient.

I also knew that, in this time and place, it was seen as unusual for a long-term relationship, like ours had been, to not be sexual, though I didn't let that bother me. I couldn't really care less if our peers thought it strange. But I knew it bothered Soonyoung sometimes, and I was always at a loss as to what more I should say to him about it.

When I left that night, he kissed my cheek, and promised me we could see each other again soon.

I believed him.  
  


_Soonyoung and I were chilling on the small couch in his room, a documentary about snow leopards playing on the TV._

_His parents were downstairs doing something boring as usual, probably watching the local news if I had to guess._

_My back to the armrest, I had my feet in his lap as he mindlessly squeezed my ankles._

_His phone vibrated next to him, and he picked it up to check it. I thought nothing of it._

_"Oh, it's Jun," he announced._

_I paused the show, looking at him. "Hm?"_

_"It's Jun," he repeated. "He and his girlfriend just got home from Hawaii."_

_Jun was Soonyoung's close friend, one of his best friends. They had met at church years ago, though you wouldn't know Jun ever attended church by talking to him, considering he swore like a sailor and just said and did questionable things in general. He was exceptionally smart, though._

_"Oh, I bet they had a good time. Hawaii sounds so nice," I replied as I heard his phone buzz again._

_But instead of telling me what else Jun had texted him, he just stared at his phone, an unreadable expression on his face._

_"Hey, what is it?" I asked, gently prodding his hand with my foot. "What else did he say?"_

_Soonyoung just turned and gave me a look, one that said 'I'm once again tired of Jun's shit.'_

_Knowing his friend's tendency to say strange things, I could only imagine what it was this time. "Oh no, Soonyoung. What did he say?"_

_He sighed deeply. "He's telling me they had a lot of sex."_

_I cringed while simultaneously trying not to laugh. People oversharing about their sex lives was somewhat worrying to me, but in this case, it was kind of funny, especially when it caused Soonyoung slight discomfort._

_"Oh, good grief," I said. "Why does he think you need to know that?"_

_"Thirty-two times, to be exact."_

_I facepalmed and sighed. "Dear lord. Assuming that's true, how did they have time to do anything else?"_

_His thumbs flew across the keyboard as he typed a response. "I don't know and I don't care. I'm telling him to go to sleep and to talk to me in the morning when he's less horny."_

_"Good idea."_

_I pressed play on the documentary, which only had about ten minutes left. When it finished, it was close to 10:00._

_"I better head home," I said tiredly, moving my legs off of him and standing to grab my things._

_He walked me out to my car, giving me a quick kiss before saying goodbye. "Text me when you get home," he said, smiling._

_"I'll try to remember!" I replied, stepping into my car. I waved at him through my window as I pulled away from the curb._

_It was after 10:30 when I arrived home. I remembered to text Soonyoung like he always asked for me to do since the drive was thirty minutes._

_**Me** : _Just got home

_I walked into the house, seeing my dad on the couch watching TV. I usually told him not to wait up for me when I planned on coming home late, but sometimes he still did._

_"Hey, how was your night?" he asked._

_I tugged off my shoes and set them by the door. "It was fine. We went to dinner and then just hung out."_

_He nodded. "Good."_

_"I'm tired now, though," I admitted. "I'm gonna head to bed. Goodnight."_

_"Goodnight, honey. See you in the morning."_

_I headed up the stairs, brushing my teeth and hopping into my pajamas, which consisted of a random t-shirt and a pair of Soonyoung's old soccer shorts I had borrowed and never returned._

_Turning off the light once I was in bed, I remembered to check my phone to see if Soonyoung had responded, and he had. Twice, to be exact._

_**S** : _Good. Glad I could see you

_Then, a few minutes later:_

_**S** : _How would you like to go to Hawaii and, you know... ;)

_Cheeky._

_I laughed quietly, knowing my mom was asleep across the hall._

_**Me** : _Keep dreaming :)

 _ **S** : _Don't worry, I will ;)

_I narrowed my eyes, wondering what he was thinking and if I even wanted to know._

_**Me** : _Ok then..

 _ **S** : _Don't act like you don't want me too.

_I raised my eyebrows. Forward much?_

_**Me** : _You're letting Jun's crazy talk get into your head again

 _ **S** : _Jun may be crazy, but I'm perfectly sane. I want you, and I can't stop thinking about it

_I closed my eyes. He was never bold enough to say things like this to me in person._

_**Me** : _Talk to me in the morning when you're less horny.

 _ **S** : _Haha, very funny

 _ **S** : _But yeah, I'm tired. Goodnight, I love you

 _ **Me** : _I love you too :)

_I shook my head, smiling. What was I supposed to do with him?_


	4. Chapter 4

A few evenings later, I was already antsy to see him again. I messaged him, having a good feeling about things.

**Me** : _Can I come by again tomorrow? :)_

I fully expected him to be more than happy at the suggestion.

**S** : _I don't know. We just saw each other_

I frowned, feeling a bit hurt. So what if I'd seen him less than a week ago? I wanted to see him again, and I thought he'd want to see me.

**Me** : _So? I just thought we could hang out again._

**S** : _Why? It's not like we're dating_

I pursed my lips, feeling the stinging of tears in my eyes. That hurt. _Really_ hurt. He knew it would, and he said it anyway. Why? What had gotten into him?

**Me** : _Oh. I see._

When he didn't respond, I decided to press him.

**Me** : _Weren't you the one who said you wanted to work on things?_

It took him several minutes to reply. I was getting agitated.

**S** : _I changed my mind._

**Me** : _What? Why? Did I do something wrong?_

I started to feel panicky, like I was going to lose him. For good this time.

**S** : _No. I just changed my mind. I won't be ready to work on anything for a while._

Fat tears started to roll down my cheeks. Why? Why would he lead me on like that, just to shoot me down and crush my feelings? Something felt off to me, but I knew at this point I wasn't going to find out from him what it was.

**Me** : _Then why would you tell me that?_

**S** : _I don't know. I guess that's how I felt then. Sorry._

This was it. I was losing him. The hope of us ever being happy together again was rapidly slipping through my fingers.

**Me** : _No. I'm sorry for believing you._

I was sobbing silently, if that's even a thing. Tears were forming and sliding down my face at an alarming rate, my chest hurting with the deep breaths I needed to take but didn't for fear of alerting anyone else in the house to my anguish.

**S** : _I think it would be best if we didn't talk anymore._

**Me** : _No, please don't do this.._

I couldn't keep the desperation out of my words.

**S** : _Goodbye._

**Me** : _Soonyoung, please!_

He didn't respond.

Not for six months.

_It was a sunny Friday morning._

_I had the passenger seat leaned back, trying to doze off but failing miserably._

_I made a frustrated noise, moving the seat back to its normal position and throwing my head back against the headrest. I had never been able to sleep well in cars._

_I heard Soonyoung laugh from the driver's seat. "Can't sleep, huh?"_

_I glared at him, knowing he wasn't looking and couldn't see me. "No," I said, pouting, making sure he felt every ounce of my irritation in that one word._

_"That's alright," he said, taking a quick glance over at me. "We've still got about two hours to go. I'll be glad to have the company."_

_We had both taken the day off to travel to the city a few hours away and make a day of it. We hadn't done anything like this for quite a while, and I was excited. From the looks of the cloudless sky outside my window, it was turning out to be a nice day, too._

_I couldn't wait to visit the huge aquarium that I hadn't been to since elementary school, and he had also purchased tickets for a professional baseball game in the evening since he knew I enjoyed that. It was really the only sport I liked to watch, honestly._

_He took his right hand off the steering wheel and gently nudged the hand closest to him in my lap, asking a silent question. I smiled despite my previous frustration and obliged him, taking his hand in mine and lacing our fingers together. Call it cheesy, but holding hands while he drove was our thing. We had done that for as long as I could remember. Being a very careful driver myself, I didn't understand how he could drive for so long with just his left hand on the wheel, but I had never questioned it. I just enjoyed the silent connection._

_A little over two hours later, we made it to our destination, finding a spot in a parking garage with a good location and stuffing a backpack full of things we thought we'd need._

_We made our way to the aquarium first. It was a bit pricey to get in, so I offered to pay for my ticket, but, ever the gentleman, he didn't let me._

_I hardly knew where to go, but, thankfully, there were arrows pointing us to the entrance._

_We saw dozens and dozens of different species of fish and sea life, some creatures bland-looking and others brilliant shades of blue or red or yellow. We were even in time to catch some of the smaller sharks being fed. I felt like the little kid I had been when I had first visited all those years ago._

_Not really thinking, we exited the building, forgetting about the other half of the place dedicated to marine mammals, like dolphins and belugas. Soon realizing what we'd done, I sheepishly told him._

_Soonyoung just laughed. "I thought maybe we'd missed something..."_

_Knowing we would have to pay again to return, we chalked it up to human error and decided to go on our way, but not before taking a selfie together in front of the aquarium._

_"Hey," I said as we checked to make sure the picture had turned out good. "It's almost lunch time. You wanna get something to eat?"_

_We found a random fast food place nearby and quickly ate our sandwiches before heading back in the direction of a couple of museums I had read about in the area._

_The first museum was mostly geared toward kids, having a lot of hands-on activities, but it was still fun to interact with the numerous exhibits. I felt a distinct sense of déjà vu as we roamed around, perhaps having been here as a kid as well._

_The next place was much more interesting to me. It was loaded with local and natural history and interactive science exhibits. My favorite part was a tall pole that gave your exact height when you stood beside it. I was exactly five-foot-four and one quarter inch, and Soonyoung was five-foot-ten on the mark._

_He pouted, wishing he was taller._

_"Taller?" I teased, giving him a playful shove. "You're already tall, get outta here!"_

_Upon exiting the museum, I blinked at the sun's brightness, already breaking a sweat in the heat of mid-afternoon. It had to be in the high eighties now._

_"Good grief, it's hot out here," I sighed, dramatically wiping my forehead with the back of my hand._

_"That's because **you're** here." I didn't have to look at him to know he was smirking._

_"Shut up and let's find something cold to eat." I grabbed his hand and started speedwalking towards an Italian ice truck I had seen earlier, practically dragging him behind me._

_"Why must you always walk so fast?" he complained._

_"To get places faster. Come on. We're almost there."_

_It turned out the truck was out of the lemon-lime flavor I wanted, so we settled for orange instead. They only had one size, large, which was perfectly fine as we had every intention of sharing._

_We quickly ate it under the shade of a large tree, regretfully suffering a few brain freezes, before heading in the direction of the stadium. The game was due to start in about an hour and a half._

_Munching on overpriced hotdogs and more Italian ice, the two of us watched as the home team pulled their way to a close win. It had been the perfect end to a perfect day._

_It was dark as we left the stadium and headed toward the parking garage. I squeezed his hand, silently thanking him for making it all happen._


	5. Chapter 5

Six months.

Six months of waiting and hoping.

Soonyoung and I didn't have the same friends, no I had no one to reach out to in order to check on him. He had deleted me off Snapchat and unfriended me on Facebook, so I was left to guess at what had happened and to wonder whether or not he was okay. It nearly drove me insane.

I reluctantly tried to be more social to distract myself, and my unanswered messages became more and more infrequent as the months passed and I began to realize the futility of what I was trying to do.

Sitting in Jihoon's car one evening after watching some sub-par movie at the cinema, I poured out my heart to him. I knew how hopeless and emotional I sounded, and yet, in a rare moment for him, he never once interrupted me to remark on my irrationality.

When my words finally stopped tumbling out, we sat in silence for a while, the only sounds being that of my sniffling and the low hum of the radio.

Finally, after what felt like almost fifteen minutes, he spoke.

"You need to let him go."

It pained me to hear someone say it, but I knew it was true. I had known for a while now, but had never been able to fully admit it to myself.

"I know," I choked out, tears falling once again. "I just wish I knew why it had to be this way."

Jihoon sighed, turning to look at me. "I think you're gonna have to accept the fact that you might never know."

I think that's what hurt the most. The unknown, the lack of closure. I had always been a person who despised not knowing, not understanding, and in this situation, I had allowed that to prevent myself from beginning to heal.

I nodded, unable to say anything more without crying. Quiet again, Jihoon drove me home.

Pulling into my driveway, I managed to thank Jihoon for the movie and the talk. He simply gave me a sad smile and a wave as I stepped out of the car.

Three more weeks passed, and I had been trying my best to come to terms with the fact that there were many things about this situation I would likely never know the answers to.

That is, until I turned my phone off airplane mode one morning after sleeping in on an off day from work. I had a text from Soonyoung, received the night before after I had fallen asleep.

Hands trembling and heart pounding, I unplugged my phone from its charger and unlocked it with my thumbprint. Dread coursed through me as I opened the message.

**S** : _Look, I know you're worried about me, but please stop trying to message me. I've had a girlfriend these past months, and she's great. We even have a dog now. Just leave me alone, ok? What we had was in the past and you need to understand that._

I was shaking with too many emotions to name, tears streaming down my face as I read and reread his words. There were so many things wrong with this, so many things. But one thing stood out to me above all else.

_This was all over a **girl**? One that he'd likely been seeing since he stopped talking to me? And she's great? And they have a stupid fucking dog together? What was even the point of telling me that? To rub it in my face?_

_Honestly, fuck him. Fuck him for putting me through this for a **girl**. Fuck him for not being honest with me. Fuck him for reopening the wound when I was just starting to come to terms with the fact that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore._

I didn't like to curse. I avoided it whenever possible, which was most of the time. But no milder words could accurately convey the way I was feeling right then.

Despite the vitriol swirling around in my head, I couldn't bring myself to send back a hate-filled message. I still longed for him in spite of everything, and I hated how desperate and needy I felt.

**Me** : _I was hoping we could be friends, but now I know you don't want that. I'm sorry for bothering you. Goodbye._

Just as I pressed send, a message from Facebook popped up onto my screen. Frowning, I tapped on it. It was from someone named Jisoo. I didn't know anyone by that name.

My hands began to shake again as I started reading the message, realizing that this Jisoo must be Soonyoung's girlfriend that I had known about for all of ten minutes.

**Jisoo** : _I know Soon hurt you, but please accept that he didn't mean it. You and him weren't meant to be, and that's ok. You'll find someone else. Please respect the fact that him and I are happy together._

Well, looks like I had another one for the _fuck you_ agenda.

Mentally cracking my knuckles in preparation to demolish her in a single message, I found to my great irritation that I couldn't respond to her. Frowning, I pulled up the Facebook search bar and looked her up, not finding a single person under her name.

_This girl really sent a message and instantly blocked me. Coward._

So, I started breaking it down in my head for my own benefit, whether the thought processes were healthy or not.

First of all, _Soon_? I had never once called him that. Not once. I didn't like nicknames much. Not that she couldn't call him whatever she wanted. It still made me want to vomit, though.

Second of all, and most ridiculously, _he didn't mean it? Really? He didn't fucking mean it? Did he tell you that? Well, I guess that makes it okay then, right? No, fuck you. Have some respect for yourself and stop apologizing for a grown man._

And then the rest of the message. What could I even say about that besides _shut the entire fuck up?_

Even though I had been awake for all of twenty minutes, I threw my phone on the floor and decided to cry myself to sleep at 10:30 a.m.

Despite everything Soonyoung had put me through, I couldn't bring myself to hate him. I still loved him, and it hurt, more than anything I had experienced before.

I felt stupid, vulnerable, hopeless, and many other things, but chief among these was a feeling of devastation.

He didn't love me anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Two months passed, and my sister got engaged to the love of her life.

I was happy for Kira, so happy. The two of them had been together for years, and, from my perspective, seemed to have a great relationship. Her best friend had even been close by to snap photos of the exciting moment as her now-fiancé dropped to one knee and asked her the life-changing question.

It was almost bittersweet for me. My little sister, getting married. She had grown up right in front of my eyes, and, within a year, she and her fiancé would begin their lives together as husband and wife. Besides, as the older of us two, I had always assumed it would be me first. But, as they say, life is unpredictable.

That truth hit me like a splash of cold water when, not much later, I found out that Soonyoung had gotten engaged too, around the same time as Kira.

I saw the pictures on his mom's Facebook, her first post in a while. His mom, who had always been so kind to me. I hadn't had the heart to unfriend her, to sever that one last tie to him. I suppose it was also a way for me to torture myself, but that's beside the point.

The two of them looked happy together, Soonyoung with his signature goofy smile, and Jisoo... she just looked happy. I hated to be that person who thought my ex had downgraded, but, well. Not that I was much of a looker myself, so I supposed I had no room to talk.

_Stop being superficial. It doesn't look good on you_ , I chided myself.

It hurt like a bitch. They had been dating for less than a year, and now, engagement? Had he lost his marbles? The answer to that, in my opinion, was a resounding _yes_. There was no way they could get to know each other that well in under a year, I thought. Not _really_.

Even though I hadn't been ready for marriage quite yet, Soonyoung and I had dated for years. _Five whole years._ And then he turns around and does _this_. What was I, chopped liver?

_You know what, fuck him. If he wants to be an idiot, fine._   
  
  


The next year saw two of my friends get married, along with my sister in the fall.

The wedding was beautiful, the weather turned out great, and Kira was absolutely stunning in her dress.

As her maid of honor, I was the last member of the bridal party, save for Kira herself, of course, to make my way to stand beside the altar. I pursed my lips, willing myself to hold it together.

_"No crying allowed," Kira jokingly told me, knowing well enough that I cried over everything. I couldn't help it, I was just an emotional person._

But, watching as my little sister walked down the aisle, arm in arm with our dad as he escorted her to stand next to her soon-to-be husband, I couldn't stop the tears from forming. I bit my lip as a few fell down my cheeks, hoping against hope that not too many people would notice.

It was such a nice reception, too. My mom had worked so hard over the past months to make sure everything was perfect and in order, and she had done a wonderful job. The food was delicious, the drinks were good (albeit kind of expensive), and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

All in all, it was a fun night. I was a bit out of my element being around so many people and having to give my maid of honor speech in front of such a large crowd, but I was able to have a great time. I just couldn't help feeling so happy for Kira, who I knew felt ten times happier than I did.

And then, Soonyoung got married, a little over two months after Kira's wedding.

I had expected myself to cry, to be angry, hurt, anything. But the tears didn't come. I just stared at the pictures, feeling numb. A feeling of finality settled over me as I closed out of Facebook. _It's over._

I sighed.

_I hope you stay happy, Soonyoung. I hope it was all worth it._

Now, if only I could find my own happiness.

_We had both attended the same small private school, from which he had just recently graduated. Being a year ahead of me, I had known who he was. I guess you could've called him a class clown of sorts, someone who knew how to make everyone laugh but was still serious when he needed to be._

_I really only got to know him when I joined the track team in ninth grade, where we instantly hit it off as friends. He was a sprinter, just like me. He was quite the athletic type, as he also played soccer and basketball during their respective seasons. Though, at the time, he was dating another girl from my class (a relationship that would end not so long before ours would begin), he was friendly with me, frequently giving me pointers on how to improve my stride and exit from the starting block._

_We would frequently text each other outside of school and quickly became good friends. If his girlfriend minded, she didn't say anything to us. Not that we ever crossed any boundaries. We knew better._

_But, one day, a couple of years later during his senior year, he reached out to me, telling me that he and his girl had broken up. I felt bad for him, as I knew he had invested a lot of effort into their relationship. Though I didn't really understand what he was going through, I did my best to lift his spirits, and I guess that's where it all started. We got closer over the next couple of months, and, eventually, he asked me out._

_Tonight, we were driving around aimlessly, not really having anything better to do._

_At this point, we had been dating for about six months. I was 16, he was 17. We spent a lot of time together, frequently going out and texting whenever we could. We had recently started telling each other 'I love you,' and about a month ago had had our first kiss, my first ever kiss. It had been awkward, as expected, yet sweet. He had hugged me afterward._

_"Hey," he said suddenly, interrupting my thoughts._

_"Yeah?"_

_"You want to, um, find someplace to park?"_

_I looked over at him, unable to read his expression as he was still focused on the road._

_"Sure," I replied, assuming he wanted to talk. I started to feel a bit nervous. Was he going to break up with me?_

_A few minutes later, he pulled into an abandoned parking lot. It was almost completely surrounded by trees, so it was somewhat private. He clicked out of his seatbelt, and I did, too._

_I turned my body to face him. "What's up?"_

_He looked at me, an emotion on his face that I didn't understand. But instead of answering, he licked his lips, reaching out to cup my face and pulling me in for a kiss. This kiss wasn't short and sweet like ours always were. I felt an intensity behind it._

_I pulled back, searching his eyes. "What are you doing?"_

_He gave me a look. "Kissing you," he said matter-of-factly, leaning in to press his lips against mine again._

_In the moments that followed, tongues tasting and teeth clacking, hands finding their way under each other's shirts, I felt as if we were two horny teenagers looking for an outlet without actually going all the way. Which, I supposed, we were._

_"Hey," he panted between kisses, "you wanna go to the backseat?"_

_I pulled away, giving him a warning look. "Soonyoung, we've talked about..."_

_"I know. I'm not asking for that. I just want to be close to you."_

_Trusting him, I nodded. I climbed out of my seat after him and sat next to him in the back, unsure of what to do next. Then, without hesitation, he pulled me into his lap so that I could straddle him and slipped out of his t-shirt._

_As he grabbed my waist to move me closer to him, I could feel how hard he was beneath me. A nervous thrill shot through me as I realized the power I could have over him in this moment if I so chose. I leaned down to kiss him again._

_After a moment, he pulled back slightly, kissing the corner of my mouth, my cheek, my jawline. As he pressed sloppy kisses down my neck, I thought I had never felt so good in my short life._

_We didn't have sex that night, but, knowing how easily it could have come to that, I told him I didn't think we should 'park' anymore, and he reluctantly agreed._

_We loved each other, and that's what mattered._


	7. Chapter 7

A little over three years passed.

I was 27 now. I had finally finished my bachelor's degree in biology, and had plans to start an internship with a small local zoo in about a month.

Just recently, I had moved out of my parents' place and into my own small apartment. It wasn't much, but it was past time for me to be on my own. I had adopted an adult kitty from the shelter where I had continued to volunteer. Her foster had named her Sunny, and I decided to keep the name as it suited her friendly disposition.

I was still quite single, having had no luck with any of the very few dates I had been on over the years, but I was okay with that. I wasn't really in any hurry to find someone.

Unlocking my door and walking past the living room into the kitchen, I threw my mail onto the counter as I began putting away the few groceries I had picked up on my way home from work.

Upon finishing that easy task, I let Sunny out of the spare room so she could have more room to run around. I kept her litter box and food and water bowls in there, and I had taken to keeping her in there when I was gone, to work or otherwise. It was easier that way, not having to worry about her escaping between my legs and out the door when I returned home.

I decided to check the mail to make sure I hadn't received anything important. A couple bills, a catalogue from a website I had ordered from once, and an envelope addressed to me in an unfamiliar hand were the contents.

Curiosity piqued, I sloppily opened the envelope.

Inside was an invitation to a high school reunion. And, by the looks of it, it wasn't just my class. My school had been small, and it seemed someone had decided to have a reunion for a few classes all at once. Besides mine, the two years ahead of me had been invited, as well.

Which meant... _Soonyoung might show up._

I frowned. I hadn't thought about him much at all the past couple of years. Hadn't heard anything either, good or bad.

_Should I go?_ I didn't see why not. He and I would just avoid each other anyway. It's not like we would be forced to interact. Besides, it was a chance to get out and dress up, something I rarely had the opportunity to do.

I took out my phone, sending a text to the RSVP number and marking four Saturdays from now in my calendar. A month in advance didn't seem like much time, but I guessed the date had been decided last minute.

I decided to call up Jihoon to see if he had gotten an invitation yet, as he had been in my class. He didn't answer on the first try, which was not unlike him. I pressed redial.

_"Hey, what's up?"_ he answered.

"Hey, have you gotten an invitation to the school reunion?"

He paused. _"Yeah, got it yesterday. Why? Are you going?"_

"I think so. I don't see why not. What about you?"

_"Uh, I don't know. I don't really talk to anyone from school anymore."_

I rolled my eyes. I didn't either, but I was still going. "Oh, come on. It'll be a chance to look nice and have some good food."

_"Well..."_ I could almost hear the wheels in his head turning at the possibility of good food.

"If I ask for them to seat us together, will you come with me?"

He sighed, and I knew that meant he was giving in. _"Fine, but only if you do that. I don't want to be sitting with some random dudes I haven't talked to in ten years."_

"Deal."

_"So what do you think you'll wear? I'll probably have to buy something, honestly."_

"I'm not sure yet," I said grinning, deciding to play with him. "Maybe a hot little number that comes up to my..."

_"Very funny."_

I laughed. "Bye, Jihoon."

A month came and went.

My first day interning at the zoo had gone pretty well, I thought. They had really just showed me around and introduced me to most of the animals, explaining in basic terms the care they received and what would be expected of me during my time there. My next day would be Monday.

It was Saturday, and tonight was the night of the reunion.

After much agonizing over what I would wear, I had decided on a black cocktail dress that I had only had the opportunity to wear once before. It wasn't too short, coming down to about an inch or two above my knees, but it did have a slit on the right side that rose to almost mid-thigh. Though it wasn't tight enough for me to have to struggle to breathe, it _was_ a bit form-fitting. I noticed my boobs weren't big enough to show much cleavage in the dress, which was fine. That wasn't really the look I was going for, anyway.

I straightened my hair and applied some mascara, the extent of my makeup for tonight. I never liked to wear much.

When I was finished getting ready, I ushered Sunny into her room and made sure she had plenty of food and water before closing the door behind her. Checking my phone, I saw it was nearly 5:00. I had about thirty minutes before the reunion started, so I figured I'd start heading that way. My destination was a reception hall at the local university, about ten minutes from my place.

Along with my phone and wallet, I grabbed a light sweater and made my way to my car.

With traffic, I managed to make it with ten minutes to spare. I stepped out of my car and hurried toward the hall, knowing it was about a five minute walk from where I had parked.

The inside of the hall had been decorated quite nicely, I thought, despite the affair being somewhat last minute. I quickly located my name card at a table close to the wall, noticing Jihoon's was at the place next to it, just like I'd asked.

No one was really at their table yet as most people were mingling and talking amongst themselves. Looking up in the direction of the buffet table, I quickly spotted Jihoon, his plate nearly full already. Setting my things down in my seat, I walked over and sidled up next to him, grabbing my own plate and beginning to fill it.

"Thanks for coming," I told him. "I'm glad I could have a friend here."

He nodded and laughed lightly, setting his plate down to fill a cup with punch. "I'm only here because you asked so nicely."

As we walked back to our table, I noticed the other seats had filled up while we were getting food. Of course I recognized them all, but I hadn't been friends with any of them back in school. I politely greeted them before turning my attention to my macaroni.

The rest of the night turned out to be pretty fun, and I may or may not have dragged Jihoon out to the dance floor a couple of times. Unfortunately, there was no alcohol, but I did return to the punch bowl numerous times and got to eat some very good cheesecake for dessert.

By the time things started to wind down, it was after 9:00. I had a date with Netflix and my cat when I got home, so I wasn't trying to leave too late.

"Hey, Jihoon," I said to my friend, nudging him gently so as to not knock the fork from his hand. Was that his third helping of peanut butter cake? I had lost count. "I think I'm going to head out now."

He nodded. "Okay," he replied with a smile. "I'm glad you made me come. It was actually kinda fun."

"Of course," I said, laughing. "Someone's gotta do it."

"Drive safe," I heard him say as I walked from the table, and I waved back at him.

I threw on my sweater as I stepped out into the cool night air. Keys in hand, I began the trek to my car.

Not having heard anyone exit after me, I was startled to hear a familiar voice speak not too far behind me.

"Let me walk you to your car."


	8. Chapter 8

I hadn't seen Soonyoung tonight, hadn't thought to look for him.

But now, here he was, keeping pace with me, offering to see me safely to my car. _Why?_

I briefly glanced at him and shook my head, not bothering to voice my displeasure at his close presence as I knew it would likely make no difference to him. Feeling unnerved at seeing him like this after so long, I continued walking in silence.

We reached my car a few minutes later. As I went to unlock it, I heard him say quietly, "You look really nice tonight."

Angered at his seemingly casual attitude after everything that had happened between us, I turned around to narrow my eyes at him. "Aren't you _married_?" I spat.

I watched as his face fell, tongue playing in his cheek. When he didn't respond, I pressed him. "Where's your _wife_? She didn't feel like coming with you tonight?"

He met my eyes, his face unreadable. "We're separated."

I raised my eyebrows, nodding as I looked at the ground. I hadn't expected that.

"Oh. That's too bad." I didn't mean a word of it.

"Look..." He took a step closer.

"I need to go." I ignored him, opening my car door.

"Can we please talk?"

I turned to stare at him, barely preventing my mouth from hanging open. _He can't be serious._ "There's nothing to talk about."

"I think there is."

I huffed. "What then?"

He sighed, looking apologetic. "About us."

I quickly shook my head. "No, Soonyoung. You're still married. _You're_ the one who ended things. Or did you forget?" I felt myself becoming angry again.

"Please. I didn't forget." He ran a hand over his face. "Can we... could you just come by so I can explain some things? I feel like I owe you that much."

I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "You're asking me to come to your place? To talk?"

"Unless you'd rather we went to yours."

And so, against my better judgment, I found myself following my still-married ex-boyfriend fifteen minutes to his house. My brain was screaming at me to turn around and go home, but that one small part of my heart was curious as to what he had to say for himself.

I wasn't surprised to see he still lived at the same place. He let me in first and walked in after me, throwing his suit jacket around one of the dining room chairs. The place didn't look much different from when I had last seen it years ago, except it was a little bit cleaner and there were a few accents that were clearly chosen by a more feminine hand.

I took off my shoes, not wanting to be in my heels for one second longer.

"So?" I asked, turning to him. "Are you really getting divorced?"

He started to make his way to the living room and I followed suit, sitting on the couch a couple feet away from him.

"Yes," he finally answered.

"And you're not, you know, gonna work on things?" Not that it made any difference to me at this point, but I was curious.

He gave me a look. "Hell no. She admitted to cheating on me. I kicked her out."

"Wow," I said flatly, unable to find it within me to sympathize. Looking around, I suddenly remembered something. "She took the dog, then?"

He looked at his hands and nodded. "Yeah."

It was silent for a moment. "So what did you want to talk about?" I finally asked, becoming impatient.

Sighing, he said, "I want to apologize."

I already felt myself becoming frustrated as I wondered if he even had a clue as to the extent of the pain he had caused me. "For what, exactly?"

"For... for hurting you." He wasn't meeting my eyes.

"I see." I nodded, tongue in my cheek.

He frowned. "What... what does that mean?"

"It _means_ , Soonyoung, that you didn't just hurt me. You _crushed_ me." My voice frustratingly broke at the second to last word as I felt hot tears beginning to form in my eyes. The pain had never really gone away. I had just learned to distract myself.

His placed his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry... I really am."

"No."

"No?" he asked, confusion lacing his voice as he looked over at me.

I stood up, turning away from him and crossing my arms as I went to stand a few feet away. The same emotions I had felt years ago were once again bubbling to the surface, hot and angry and demanding release.

When I finally spoke again, I was quiet.

"Do you have _any_ idea of the suffering you caused me? Do you have _any_ idea of how many dozens of nights I cried myself to sleep, worrying about you? Wondering what I had done wrong?" The words were tumbling out of my mouth. "Do you have _any_ idea of how much it destroyed me to finally realize you must want _nothing_ to do with me anymore? Because if you think for _one_ second that a half-assed apology is going to cover _any_ of that, then you've lost your goddamn mind." My voice had gradually risen, nearly to a yell.

He was crying when I looked back at him, something I had never seen him do. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I know there's nothing I can say that will help. I'm just... I'm so sorry..."

I was nearly crying now, too. "You led me on, Soonyoung. Why couldn't you have just told me there was someone else?"

"We... we got serious so fast." He sniffled. "She didn't like me talking to you."

"That doesn't really answer my question."

He sighed, voice almost a whisper. "I didn't have the heart to tell you."

"Really?" I scoffed. "But you had the heart to leave me in the dark for all those months? Right."

He looked at his hands, saying nothing.

"And then to tell me how _wonderful_ she is? And for her to tell me you didn't _mean_ any of it? Honest to God, Soonyoung, when I read her message, I felt like I had entered an alternate universe. What business did she have telling me _any_ of that?"

He groaned. "She knew you were still trying to text me and she wanted me to put an end to it. She was looking over my shoulder when I sent that." He stood up, removing his watch and setting it on the coffee table. "And I swear to you, I had no idea she was going to say anything to you. I was upset with her for that."

"Well, you must not have been too upset with her. You proposed to her, what, two months later? That was, uh, pretty fast." I had always wondered about that.

He was walking around aimlessly now, fingers interlaced behind his head. "She was ready to settle down and I... I guess I was too."

I nodded, remembering that I _hadn't_ been ready to settle down. "I see."

"We rushed into things, I know that. You don't have to tell me."

"But why?" I didn't quite understand.

"I don't really have a clear answer. She's older than me, and it seemed she felt like time was ticking for her. That's all I can really say."

I frowned. "Ticking?"

He cleared his throat. "She wanted kids."

"Oh," I said, raising my eyebrows.

"I know what you're thinking. And no, we never had any."

I let out a breath I didn't even know I had been holding. "I see."

He closed his eyes, hanging his head. "I'm not pretending to understand how any of this makes you feel. I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you, _really_ hurt you. But now, I can't stop wondering..."

"Soonyoung, if you're asking for another chance... you know that's a bad idea, right?"

"Yes, I know it is. But, seeing you tonight... I realized how much I missed you." He stepped closer to me, an intense expression on his face.

I gave him a warning look. "Soonyoung..."

"And you in that dress..." He gave me a once over, biting his lip. "Let's just say that's not the only bad idea I've had tonight."

I looked down and crossed my arms, suddenly feeling self-conscious as his words sent an unexpected thrill through my body. "You're still married."

He rested a warm hand on my cheek. " _Screw_ her. Three more weeks, and it's over."

I pulled his hand away, sighing. "I don't think..."

"Just be honest with me," he said, watching me intently. "Tell me. Did you miss me, too?"

Judging by the look in his eyes, I knew _exactly_ what would happen if I said yes.

I swallowed.

"How could I not?"


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as the words left my mouth, the look in his eyes turned feral. He grabbed my face and kissed me hard, the intensity of it sending my head spinning.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer as his tongue slipped into my mouth. I reveled in tasting him again after what had felt like too many years.

He walked forward, pressing me against the wall, his lips never leaving mine. I was losing myself in him. I had never quite felt this way before, almost _high_.

I was partially brought back to reality when his hand slipped under the hem of my dress, sliding it up by a few inches and squeezing my thigh. I sighed into his mouth as I felt him hard against my stomach.

He made a frustrated sound in his throat as I pulled away.

"Hey," I managed, catching my breath. "We're not doing this down here."

"But we _are_ doing this?"

That whole _no sex before marriage_ thing all but flew out the window the second I saw the look he was giving me.

I nodded.

He halfway growled, roughly kissing me before grabbing my hand and pulling me up the stairs behind him. Nearly stumbling into his bedroom, I was able to catch a glimpse of how neat it was before he dragged me closer to him by my hips and kissed me again.

"You have no idea," he whispered against my lips, "how much I want this."

_I think I do._

I watched as he took a step back, undoing the buttons on his white dress shirt and shrugging it off. Staring at his bare chest, it was apparent to me that he had been working out quite a bit. He looked good.

"Your turn."

In the seconds I had spent zoning out, he had nearly completely undressed. He reached out to touch my shoulders, fingers lingering before pushing the spaghetti straps of my dress to hang loose on my arms. I could read from his body language that he wanted me to do the rest.

Attempting in vain to shrug out of the dress, I was quickly reminded of the zipper running down the back. It was one that was difficult to reach, though I had managed it on my own before. But tonight, I supposed I didn't have to.

"Can you..?" I asked hesitantly, turning around.

"Gladly." He made quick work of my zipper, and, within seconds, the dress was on the floor, leaving me in nothing but my underwear.

I turned back to face him, covering my chest with crossed arms as an acute nervousness suddenly overtook me. I still had never done this, had never been bare in front of a man before.

"Hey," he said quietly, carefully moving my arms away. "It's okay."

He kissed me again, and it almost felt sweet. That is, until he gently squeezed my breast, the new feeling nearly causing me to jump.

"I always wanted to do that," he said, a shit-eating grin on his face as I playfully shoved him.

He grabbed my hand and led me to sit on the end of the bed. Heart pounding wildly, I scooted back as he climbed over me. The racing pulse in his own neck was clearly visible as he leaned down to capture my mouth again.

After a few moments, he sat back and peeled off his underwear before reaching down to place his fingers near the top of mine, meeting my eyes, wordlessly asking a question.

I nodded, breathless, and soon we were both naked as he maneuvered himself between my legs.

I winced at the slight pain, and he nearly stopped, eyes searching. "Am I hurting you?"

I shook my head, knowing from what I'd heard that it would soon pass. "No," I managed, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Please, don't stop."

I didn't have to tell him twice.

So many new and intense sensations all at once were almost too much for me to bear, but the feeling of him as he made love to me was far beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

We lay intertwined together afterward, a whispered "I love you" brushing against my ear as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke to early morning sunlight shining into my eyes and a brief feeling of confusion as I realized I was definitely _not_ in my own bedroom.

I pulled off the covers and sat up, noticing the bed beside me was empty, and feeling a bit chilly as I was still completely naked.

Searching through his drawers, I found and slipped on one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants. I definitely did _not_ feel like putting on that dress again.

I began to feel nervous as I made my way downstairs. _Was last night a mistake?_ I supposed only time would tell.

As I walked into the kitchen, I saw Soonyoung at the stove as the smell of eggs reached my nose. I could only hope they were scrambled. _Since when did he cook?_

He turned to look at me, eyes lingering on my chest as he quickly noticed I wasn't wearing a bra underneath his shirt. "Good morning."

"Hey," I greeted. He was still staring. "Don't overcook the eggs."

I could tell he was trying not to crack a smile as he turned his attention back to the pan in front of him. "Right."

I sat down at the table as he placed a full plate and fork in front of me. He settled himself in the seat to my right.

We ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. When we finished, he took our plates and put them in the sink before sitting back down next to me.

"So..?"

I looked up at him. "So..?"

He cleared his throat. "So, um, what does this mean? Or does it mean _anything_?"

I watched my hands as they fidgeted on the table in front of me. "I'm not sure. I don't know what to think, honestly."

He rested his head in his hand. "Because _I_ was thinking I'd really like to see you again."

Sighing, I met his eyes, not able to find any hint of deception in them but remembering how I'd made a mistake in trusting him before. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

He pouted, appearing dejected as he stared down at the table.

"Besides, you're still technically married. That wouldn't look good for either of us."

"I told you, for three more weeks." He huffed. "And almost everyone knows she banged some other guy. Why would anyone with half a brain cell think _we_ looked bad?"

He did have a point.

"I know what you're saying, but I just don't know." I stood up, rubbing my still-tired eyes.

He rose to his feet in front of me, taking my hands in his. "I just really don't want to lose you, not again."

"Soonyoung..."

"Could we at least, you know, give it a chance?" he pleaded.

Meeting his eyes, I thought I really had nothing to lose by simply trying.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded. "Okay."

I watched his face light up as he wrapped his arms around me in a grateful hug. "That makes me so happy."

When he let go, I walked to the other end of the table to grab my keys and phone. "I really do need to get home, though. My poor cat's probably starving," I explained.

I heard him approach me from behind as I stood from picking my shoes up off the floor. "Aw, you have a cat? That's so cute."

I felt him place his hands on my waist and pull me back into him.

"I'm serious," I said, unable to hide a smile. "My cat needs me."

"Yeah, but..." His fingers slipped just under the waistband of my, or rather his, sweatpants. "Are you sure you can't stay for just a little bit longer?"

"Soonyoung..." I warned, moving his hand back to a respectable location on my waist.

"Please?" His breath was hot on my ear.

I pulled away, turning to give him a pointed look. "My cat is starving, Soonyoung. She's _starving_ and you're making her wait because you're _horny_."

He pouted. "Fine. But we'll talk soon though, right?"

"Right," I replied, reaching up to pat his cheek.


	10. Chapter 10

Sure enough, I could hear poor Sunny meowing pitifully as I walked through my door.

Setting my things down, I quickly let her out from her room. "I'm so sorry," I said to her, picking her up and giving her a small hug. "I didn't mean to be gone for so long."

She hopped out of my arms and looked up at me. I glanced over at her empty food bowl. "Oh, right."

After I refilled her bowl, giving her a little extra as an apology, I settled myself down on the couch and grabbed my phone from the coffee table.

I felt like I would positively burst if I didn't tell someone about my new life update. I nearly texted my sister, but thought better of it as I knew she hated Soonyoung with a passion. She'd for sure think I had gone off the deep end. _And maybe I have, who knows._

_Jihoon it is, then._ He was going to be informed whether he liked it or not. Besides, I knew he wouldn't tell anyone.

**Me** : _Hey, can I call you?_

It took him a good twenty minutes to respond. If I had to guess, it was because he was still sleeping.

**J** : _Yeah I guess_

I quickly pressed call as soon as he responded in the affirmative and put it on speaker. Surprisingly, it didn't take him long to pick up.

_"What's up?"_ He sounded tired.

I hesitated. "So, um, I have some news..."

_"News? Did someone die?"_

Rolling my eyes, I said, "No, Jihoon. Not that kind of news."

_"Okay. What then?"_

I sighed, unsure of how to explain. "It's, uh, about my love life."

He paused. _"Your love life? Did something change between, what, quarter after nine last night and this morning?"_

"Uh, yeah. Kinda."

_"Kinda? Can you explain or what? I don't exactly have all day."_

I narrowed my eyes into the void. "Yes, you do. You never do anything on Sundays."

Jihoon huffed. _"Fair enough. But seriously, can you just get on with it? My curiosity has been piqued and it can only be sated by whatever life-changing thing it is you called to tell me about."_

I rolled my eyes. "Can you stop being an idiot and listen to me?"

_"You know I could just hang up, right?"_

Once upon a time, I had briefly considered what Jihoon and I might be like as a couple. But, right now, in this moment, I knew I had made the right decision in choosing not to entertain that thought for more than thirty seconds.

"Okay, look. I, um..."

He sighed. _"This is getting ridiculous and I think you know that."_

"Because I already know you're going to think I'm insane!"

_"Oh, so it's **that** kind of news."_ He sounded genuinely intrigued. _"Let's hear it, then."_

I covered my face, feeling somewhat embarrassed at the words I had to say. "I... I went home with someone last night."

Jihoon was quiet for a moment. _"From the reunion, or somewhere else?"_

"From the reunion."

_"Uh, okay. Who was it, then? I didn't see you leave with anyone."_

I hesitated. "So, this is the part where you're going to think I'm bonkers."

_"Try me."_

I sighed. "It was, um, Soonyoung."

I unwittingly held my breath as I waited for Jihoon to say something. _Any day now._

He finally broke the silence. _"I'm sorry, for a second there it kinda sounded like you said Soonyoung."_

"Uh, yeah. I did."

Another beat of silence. _"You're right, I **do** think you're bonkers. More than that, actually."_

"I knew it."

A frustrated noise. _"And, I can't believe I'm even asking this, because, ew. But, in this instance, does 'went home with' also mean 'engaged in certain illicit activities with'?"_

I made a face. "Yes, Jihoon. That's what it means. By the way, your virginity is showing."

He scoffed. _"Oh, please. Don't act like you didn't just lose yours all of twelve hours ago."_

He had me there. "Fine. But we talked about things. We didn't just jump straight into bed, if that's what you're thinking."

_"This is insane."_ A short pause. _"Do you remember that time you cried in my car over him ghosting you?"_

I frowned. "Yeah, why?"

_"I just wanted to remind you that that happened."_

"I haven't forgotten what he did, Jihoon."

_"Are you sure? Because it sounds like you two are pretty cozy."_

I sighed. "We..."

_"Wait, wait, wait. I just remembered. Isn't he married? Please don't tell me..."_

I realized what he was getting at. "Jihoon, it's not what it sounds like. He's..."

_"It's not?"_ I could hear the incredulity seeping into his voice. _"Because it sounds an awful lot like you just slept with a married man."_

"They're getting divorced."

_"Oh, well isn't that convenient."_

I rolled my eyes. "I don't like your tone, sir."

He ignored me. _"And, by the way. Maybe you didn't know this, but 'getting divorced' doesn't mean 'not married.'"_

"She cheated on him, Jihoon. They're finalizing in a few weeks."

_"Wow."_

I sighed. "Please don't be upset with me. I know this all sounds crazy..."

_"Look, I'm not upset. I'm just worried for you. This is a dangerous game you're trying to play, even more so considering the past you guys have."_

"You think I don't know that? It's just... what do I have to lose at this point by giving it another shot?"

_"You really want me to answer that?"_

I began massaging my temples, not really sure how to respond.

_"It doesn't look like I can talk you out of this right now, so please, just be careful, okay? I don't want to see you so hurt again."_

"I know, Jihoon. I plan on being careful. We're going to take things slow, okay? Just to see what happens."

A sigh. _"Alright, if you say so."_

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

_"Listen, I think I'm going to go back to sleep. I feel like I'm experiencing some sort of information overload."_

I laughed despite everything. "You do that."

After ending the call, I saw I had a new text.

**Soonyoung** : _I forgot to ask if you still have the same number_

I blinked. I guess I had never actually deleted his contact from my phone.

**Me** : _You're in luck._

He replied after a few minutes.

**S** : _You forgot something..._

Attached was a picture of my dress, hanging from his finger by one of the straps.

I internally facepalmed. _My poor memory strikes again._

**Me** : _Consider it a keepsake._

**S** : _Are you sure you can't come by some other time and, you know, pick it up? ;)_

I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

**Me** : _If you're still horny, I would recommend taking a cold shower_

**S** : _Not my fault you're so hot._

This man, I swear to God.


	11. Chapter 11

A little over a month and half passed. Soonyoung's divorce had been finalized much to his, and now my, relief.

We had been secretly making time to see each other on the weekends, either going to his place or mine as there was no way I was willing to risk others finding out, not yet. I rather enjoyed the blissful ignorance in my family's eyes as they chatted with me, having no idea I was fraternizing with someone who, in their opinion, was the enemy.

It was Saturday, and Soonyoung had stayed over at mine the night before. It had been nearly noon when we finally woke up, my head on his chest and an arm around his waist. I was appreciative of how warm he always was.

He was in the shower now, and I was seated at the small dining table next to the kitchen. Spoon for my Cheerios in hand, I opened Twitter and began scrolling. I really only kept my account to keep up with news, as I could really do without all the uneducated social commentary and bullshit viral posts like _Isn't it amazing when men shut the fuck up and actually listen for once?_

Like, yes, sometimes that _is_ amazing. But not "24.6K retweets and 150K likes" amazing. _I hate it here sometimes, I really do._

Putting my bowl and spoon in the sink after I had finished, I froze when I heard a knock at my door.

I most definitely was _not_ expecting company. Unless it was a neighbor suddenly deciding to make friends after I had been here for months. Still bad timing, though.

I tiptoed over to the door to look through the peephole. It was Kira.

Make that _astronomically_ bad timing.

I couldn't exactly pretend I wasn't home, as she had almost certainly seen my car in the lot. So, lips set into a thin line, I opened the door.

"Hey," she greeted as she stepped inside, immediately noticing my lack of pants. "You just get up?"

I nodded, hoping my nervousness wouldn't show. "Yeah, not too long ago. What brings you here?"

She chuckled. "I know, I'm sorry. I don't come see you as often as I should. But we took mom and dad to dinner last night, and I thought maybe I should visit you, too." She slapped a couple items of junk mail into my hand. "They gave these to me to give to you if I saw you before they did. Guess you're still getting some mail at their place."

I mumbled my thanks as I set the envelopes on the counter.

Just then, both of our heads turned toward the sound of the bathroom door opening. I began to panic.

Kira looked at me, frowning. "Is someone here?"

I hesitated. "Um..." _Please just end me._

Footsteps were quickly making their way down the hall toward us, and I knew for a fact the jig was up.

I watched my sister's jaw drop as Soonyoung came into view. _Busted_.

"Hey, who's..." His voice trailed off as he froze in his tracks, seeing Kira and instantly recognizing her. He looked over at me, my face surely wearing an expression of defeat.

The three of us stood in silence for a good ten seconds, watching each other, no one daring to move.

Still staring down Soonyoung, Kira finally spoke up. "Please tell me he's lost."

When I said nothing, she looked at me incredulously. "Well?"

"I don't know what you want me to say."

She made a frustrated noise.

Soonyoung finally worked up the nerve to speak, still watching us. "Maybe I should go..."

Kira turned and gave him a hateful look. "Yes. Why don't you do that. I think the two of us here have some _catching up_ to do."

He slowly backed up and headed toward the bedroom, presumably to grab his phone. When he returned, he slipped on his sneakers and grabbed his keys from the coffee table, giving me an apologetic look as he closed the door behind himself.

My sister slowly turned back around to look at me. " _Please_ tell me..."

"Can I at least put some pants on first before you roast me into oblivion?" I mumbled.

"No. We're talking about this _now_."

"Fine." I slumped back into my seat at the table, swallowing as I watched her cross her arms and look down at me. She was always a bit scary when she was angry, not that it happened often.

"What the _hell_ was _he_ doing here?" She had likely already put it together herself, but wanted to hear me say the words.

I rested my cheek on my fist. "I'm kind of, um, seeing him again..."

"What do you mean _seeing_ him? I thought he got married a few years ago?"

"He did. They're divorced now."

She rubbed at her eyes with her hands. "Ok then, but still, the question remains. Why on _earth_ are you seeing that douchebag again? And why did you two look so... so _domestic_? How long has this been going on?"

I thought for a moment. "Almost two months, I think."

She sighed, sitting down across from me. "And when were you planning on telling me?"

It was my turn to sigh. "Honestly, I don't know. We're not really even an official thing yet."

Kira frowned, giving me a strange look. "You're not? So you're just, what? _Sleeping_ together?"

I realized how bad this all must sound from her perspective. "Look, it's not _just_ that, okay? We're working through things."

"Right." I could tell she didn't believe me for a second, even though that was the honest truth. We _had_ been trying to work through the hurt.

"Kira..."

"What if he's just using you, though? What if he's just going to break your heart again when he gets tired of this?"

I sighed. Those were very real possibilities I had certainly considered, but something about Soonyoung just made me feel I could trust him. _Am I being naive?_ I honestly wasn't sure.

"I don't think that's the case, though," I said.

"How can you be so sure?"

I hesitated. There wasn't really anything I could say to convince her that it felt different this time around.

She continued, speaking more softly to me now. "Have you forgotten how devastated you were back then? Because, I can assure you, the rest of us haven't."

"I know," I replied, my voice nearly a whisper as I tried not to cry.

She shook her head. "If you think I'm going to support this... I'm sorry, I just can't."

"I understand." I had expected as much.

Standing up, she motioned for me to walk over to her. She wrapped me in a hug, and I couldn't help but cry.

"Just know that if he hurts you like he did before, there will be a high chance of me committing murder."

I pulled away, sniffling. "I know you hate him."

"How can I not?"

I exhaled. "Can you promise me one thing, though?"

"What's that?"

"Just... don't tell mom and dad yet. Or anyone, really. I don't need someone else being disappointed in me."

Kira looked at me sadly. "I promise. But if they get suspicious and ask, I can't lie for you, okay?"

I supposed that was a fair enough compromise. "Okay."

She hesitantly pulled her keys from her pocket. "You probably want me to go..."

"No, no. You don't have to," I assured her, wiping my face.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "You want to watch some of that _Unsolved Mysteries_ show on Netflix? I know you've been practically begging me to check it out."

She gave me a big smile. "I'd like nothing more."


	12. Chapter 12

"Stop it or I'm getting off."

I stilled the movement of my hips, causing him to whine underneath me. He was visibly holding back a grin. "I can't help it."

I narrowed my eyes at him, unamused.

For reasons I lacked an understanding of, he had decided it would be a fun idea to start moaning dramatically as I began to ride him. Sometimes I really wondered about what went on in that brain of his.

"You think that's funny?"

"You _don't_?"

I took a deep breath. "I have _neighbors_ , Soonyoung. I'm gonna have to ask you to tone it down."

"But..."

"You can rediscover your lost calling as a comedian another time when we're at your place."

"I thought you were gonna say as a por-"

Just then, my phone started ringing on the nightstand. I glanced over to see if it was anyone important.

I sighed. "I guess I should take it. It's my mom."

He groaned, squeezing my hips. "Call her back later. You're busy."

Ignoring him, I pulled off and reached over to grab my phone, swiping to answer the call and plopping down next to him on the bed. He whined again, and I was glad I hadn't put it on speaker as I so often did.

"Hey, mom."

_"Hey, honey. How are you?"_

"I'm alright. What's up?" I looked over at Soonyoung. She never called just to say hi.

_"I was just curious about something."_

My eyes widened. "Oh yeah? What's that?" I tried to sound unaffected.

_"You don't have a boyfriend, do you?"_

I had been afraid she might ask something like that. I did my best to appear confused. "No, why?"

I glanced over again at my not-boyfriend, who appeared less than pleased at having been deprived of my attentions at such a crucial moment.

She hesitated. _"I'm sorry if I'm being nosy. But my friend just texted me that she saw you out at dinner earlier this evening, and you were with someone. I wanted to ask before I jumped to conclusions."_

I pursed my lips.

After a few months of whatever it was we had been doing, Soonyoung and I had finally felt bold enough to go out. He had insisted on taking me to an expensive hibachi place, and, judging by the way he had watched me slip into something nice, I wondered if that had been the plan all along, to get me into a dress again.

But I guess we'd had an attentive audience at the restaurant, something I had been worried about from the very beginning.

"Oh, no, mom. That was a first date. We're not a thing." I hoped that sounded believable to her.

_"Oh, I gotcha. Sounds like a pretty nice first date."_

I laughed. "Yeah, I guess he wanted to impress me."

She laughed, too, appearing to buy my explanation. _"Well, did it work?"_

"Maybe. I haven't decided yet." I pretended not to notice as Soonyoung narrowed his eyes over at me.

_"Understandable. Alright honey, I guess I'll let you go. I've probably asked enough questions. But if you like this guy, I hope it works out for you."_

I smiled. "Thanks, mom. Bye, I'll talk to you soon."

I hung up and dropped my phone on the floor beside the bed, and my "date" immediately rolled over and pinned me beneath him.

"You need help deciding?"

I grinned as he leaned down to kiss me. "I was hoping you'd ask."

The next morning, the two of us were sitting at the table and eating leftover teriyaki chicken for breakfast. I was nearly finished, and I could hear the jingle of a cat toy as Sunny tossed one around in her room.

"I've been thinking."

I halfway jumped in my seat. I hadn't expected Soonyoung to start talking. "About?"

"About... things." He pushed his plate to the side.

I watched him, waiting for him to continue. He appeared to briefly hesitate before deciding to let the words fall out.

"You wanna just get married or would you rather be my girlfriend first?"

I coughed, nearly choking. "Are you proposing?"

He scratched his head, looking sheepish. "Depends on what your answer is, I guess."

I blinked. _He must be feeling pretty good about the way things are going._ "Are we ready for that?"

He gave me a pointed look. "Are _you_?"

I set my fork down, thinking. Life was pretty stable for me now as I was no longer in school. I had also recently been offered a full-time position at the zoo, which I planned to accept. Besides, things had been going great between us. We had pretty much picked up where we had left off years ago, and were continuing to work things out.

"Are you turning me down?" He sounded disappointed, appearing to take my silence as rejection.

I shook my head. "No, not exactly."

His face scrunched up in slight confusion. "What do you mean?"

I stood up to put our plates in the sink. "I think I might be ready. But I also think we shouldn't rush. Besides, no one knows. We can't just, you know, spring that kind of thing on people."

"You don't think they'd get over it?"

I sighed, turning around to look at him again. "It's not that they never would, Soonyoung. It's just... people can be emotional. Like me. My family is pretty close, and they don't appreciate when people hide things like that. I already know some words are going to be said when I tell my parents about you."

He frowned. "Yeah..." He made his way to the couch, and I followed suit.

"They already don't like you. So for me to tell them that not only are we together again, but that we're getting _married_..."

Soonyoung sighed heavily. "I know what you're saying."

I nodded, unsure of what else to say.

"Well, on the bright side," he said, "my parents always liked you. I don't think they would be upset about us."

"Mine liked you, too, until you broke my heart."

He visibly flinched. I hadn't even meant it in a mean-spirited way, but I could tell by his change in demeanor that my words had hit their mark regardless.

"Dammit." He stood, a pained expression on his face.

I rose to my feet beside him and lightly grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to..."

He gently shrugged out of my grasp. "I know. I just... I hate myself for being such a dick. And sometimes it's hard for me to understand why you ever took me back or gave me another chance."

I sighed. "You may hate yourself, but I never hated you."

He turned to me, tears in his eyes. "What?"

"As much as you may have deserved it, as much as I _wanted_ to hate you, as many times as I told myself that I did, I don't think that was ever really the case," I said truthfully.

"I did deserve it, I deserved every bit of it," he said, shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes. "And I don't deserve _you_."

I wrapped my arms around him. "Yes, you do. I'm not excusing anything you did, but that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life atoning for your mistakes." I sighed. "I know Kira thinks I've forgiven entirely too easily, Jihoon just thinks I'm crazy..."

He pulled away and looked at me. "You told Jihoon?"

I frowned. "Yeah, why?"

"I just... based on what I remember about him, I didn't think he'd even want to know."

"Believe me, he was _not_ thrilled."

Soonyoung managed a small laugh. "So it's sounding like he didn't congratulate you like Jun did for me."

I made a face. "Jun..."

"He said, and I quote, 'congrats on the sex.'"

Shaking my head, I said, "Of course he did." _I guess some things never change._ "When did you tell him, by the way? Just curious." I sat back down on the couch, taking his hand and pulling him to sit beside me.

"A few days later when I had finally prepared myself for the dozens of questions I knew he'd ask. Why? How long has Jihoon known?"

I tried my best to hold back an embarrassed smile, but he noticed, and his lips began to turn up at the corners. "What's so funny?"

"I, um... I called him, like, thirty minutes after I got home that morning."

He raised his eyebrows. "Wow. Just couldn't wait to to tell him the sordid details, could you?"

I laughed. "He was clutching his pearls the whole time. I'm surprised he didn't tell me 'now listen here, young lady' or whatever else it is boomers say when they're disappointed."

He shook his head, unable to resist laughing, too.

"By the way," I said, remembering something. "Is Jun still with that same girl? I can't remember her name. Or is that a silly question?"

"Yeah, they actually got hitched like a year and a half ago. Why?"

"You want to, maybe, double date?" I wiggled my eyebrows.

He grinned. "Sure, if you want everything turned sexual in a matter of seconds."

I shook my head. "I've put up with your horndog self for this long. I think I'll manage."

"Fair enough."


	13. Chapter 13

I let myself in through Soonyoung's back door with the spare key he'd given me. Setting my wallet and keys down on the dining table, I made my way upstairs.

From the sound of it, he was still in the shower, so I plopped myself down on his unmade bed and began scrolling through Twitter.

I soon heard the water turn off, and about a minute later, the door opened and he walked into his bedroom, hair wet and wearing only sweatpants. He hadn't noticed me yet.

"Hey," I said, laughing as he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Jesus Christ. Don't do that." He appeared visibly shaken, much to my amusement.

"Do what? Say hi?"

"You know what I mean."

I scoffed. "Hurry up and get dressed, we're gonna be late."

Soonyoung hurriedly slipped on some jeans and a plain t-shirt. Stepping into some sneakers and pocketing his wallet, he announced that he was ready. I hopped out of his bed and followed him down the stairs, and he grabbed his keys as we made our way out the door.

"You look nice," he said to me as we got into his car.

I gave him a strange look. "I'm literally wearing a t-shirt."

"Yeah, but I like those jeans. Your ass looks nice."

I shook my head, smiling a little. "Thanks, I guess."

Not wanting to be uncomfortable, I had decided to wear a nice t-shirt paired with my favorite black skinny jeans. I hadn't thought about how my ass looked in them since I honestly didn't think I had much of one to start with, but Soonyoung had always disagreed.

We met Jun and Minghao at the bowling alley. They had already reserved the lane and were sitting at their table waiting for us as we walked in.

The two of them stood up to wave as we made our way over after picking up our bowling shoes at the counter. I was reminded of how tall Jun was, and I had forgotten that Minghao was nearly as tall as him. I had only ever met her maybe once or twice back in the day.

I shook hands with her, feeling awkward as Jun and Soonyoung loudly greeted each other.

"It's been a long time," she said, a small smile on her face. "It's good to see you."

Then, Jun turned his attention to me, surprising me by wrapping his arms around me in a friendly hug. "It's really nice to see you again."

I smiled as he pulled away. "You too."

After picking out our balls and placing them on the rack, Jun decided that he would go first. I was fine with that as I wanted to put off the embarrassment I was going to feel when my ball almost certainly made its way into the gutter.

Jun threw a strike his first time up, and I nodded, impressed.

Minghao clapped. "Good job, babe," she said, giving him a high five as she made her way to the ball rack for her turn.

She missed getting a spare by one pin.

It was my turn next. I wiped my palms on my jeans, trying to get the sweat off before picking up my eight-pound ball. I only knocked over two pins on my first throw, but at least it hadn't gone in the gutter as I had expected. It had easily been a couple years since I'd last done this. When the ball returned, I picked it up and got into position, but didn't throw it yet as I heard someone coming up behind me.

"Try standing a little more to the right," Soonyoung said, lightly touching my waist and guiding me a step over.

I gave him a look. _Cheesy much?_ "Since when are you a bowling expert?"

He opened his mouth to retort when I heard Jun call out. "Stop being a simp and let her bowl!"

Soonyoung pressed his lips into a thin line, but backed up and returned to his seat anyway.

I didn't get a spare, but I did get a few more pins than on my first throw.

As the night wore on, I began to feel more comfortable as if I was with old friends again. Minghao and I were chatting it up, laughing at how our guys were not-so-subtly trying to show each other up.

It was nearing the end of our third game. Jun had a clear edge in score and had won the first two rounds, but Soonyoung wasn't far behind. It was his turn now, and he had missed a strike by one pin on his first throw. Visibly frustrated with himself, he was taking his sweet time trying to decide the best way to go about knocking it down.

Bored with his friend's inaction, Jun pulled Minghao into his lap, and they began kissing quite heavily. I rolled my eyes at their bold public display of affection.

Soonyoung missed the pin, causing him to lose the game by several points. He cursed as he stared at the place where his ball had entered the gutter.

Evidently aware of what was loudly taking place back at our table, he jokingly said, "If you two aren't done frenching by the time I turn around, this friendship is over."

Jun, apparently, was unmoved by the idle threat.

I laughed as Soonyoung returned to the table. "Since when are _you_ such a prude?"

Jun suddenly came up for air, eyebrows raised, and I immediately knew I had said too much. "Interesting," he said to me, looking over at Soonyoung, who was putting his sneakers back on and not paying any attention to us. "Care to elaborate?"

I wouldn't have been surprised if my face was red. "No, I would _not_. If you'll excuse me," I said, standing and turning in the direction of the bathroom, "I have some business to take care of."

When I exited the stall, Minghao was there, fixing her hair in the mirror. I caught a glimpse of her quite expensive-looking ring as I made my way to the sink and began washing my hands.

"You know," she said, turning to me as I grabbed a paper towel. "I'm not sure if I should even tell you this, but..."

"Tell me what?" I was curious.

She hesitated. "I never really liked his other girl much."

I raised my eyebrows. I really knew next to nothing about Jisoo, and I wondered if Minghao would say anything more.

"Really?"

She crossed her arms, thigh resting against the sink counter. "I only saw her a handful of times. She never seemed interested in going out with us, and when Soonyoung would manage to convince her, I could tell she'd rather be somewhere else, probably back at home with him. She seemed awfully clingy, as if he might not come back after leaving to go to the bathroom or something. And sometimes I'd catch her giving me dirty looks. Maybe she didn't like me, but I never figured out why."

I nodded, pursing my lips. "So why'd she, um, step out on him? Do you know? He doesn't talk about it much."

Minghao shook her head, adjusting her shirt sleeve. "I don't know if _anyone_ knows. But honey, let me tell you. That was _ugly_. I was with Jun when Soonyoung called him, yelling about how some other guy was calling her and that she copped to going behind his back. From what it sounded like, she blindsided him. He had no idea. She took their dog and a few other things and left that same day. God only knows where she went."

"Wow." I blinked, processing the new information and thinking about how hurt he must have been. "That's heavy."

She nodded. "But then a few months ago, he was telling Jun about how he'd caught up with you again. He sounded happy, from what Jun told me. And it seems like he still is."

I smiled sheepishly. "How much did he, uh, tell Jun about us _catching up_?"

"Enough." She laughed.

"Oh, god." I covered my face with my hands.

"Oh, don't be embarrassed," she said, patting my shoulder. "Come on, let's get outta here. They're going to think we've climbed out the window and left them."

Exiting the building after not seeing Jun and Soonyoung inside anymore, we spotted them chatting out by their cars. They turned to look at us as we approached.

Soonyoung made a weird face. "I'd ask what you guys were doing that took so long, but I don't think I want to know."

"Don't worry," Jun said, unbothered. "What's the worst they could do in there, anyway? Make out? That's not so bad."

Minghao and I laughed as she tapped his cheek. "Behave."

He scoffed. "That's not what you were telling me earlier."

Soonyoung and I shared a look. _Really?_


	14. Chapter 14

The four of us were sitting at a picnic table outside a local ice cream joint, talking about life and catching up some more. Everyone was making quick work of their cones, except for me, who had elected for a milkshake instead.

Jun loudly crunched on the last of his cone. "Y'all want to play never have I ever?"

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "How old are you again?" I immediately knew what he was trying to do, or rather, what type of _information_ he was after, and I wasn't having it for a second.

"Hey, that sounds fun," Soonyoung chimed in helpfully.

I glared at him, hoping he'd catch on. " _No_ , it doesn't."

He did not, in fact, catch on, or at least acted like he hadn't. "Why not?"

"Come on," Jun nagged. "It'll be a fun way to get to know each other better."

"Haven't you and Soonyoung been friends for, like, _ever_..."

"I'm in!" Minghao clasped her hands together, elbows on the table.

I sighed again, and Soonyoung nudged me. "Hey, what's the big deal?"

"We don't have to play too long," Jun supplied, trying to appeal to me.

I groaned. "Fine, you wanna play? I'll go first." I raised my hand, and everyone quickly followed suit.

I made sure to look Jun in the eye for added measure. "Never have I ever gone on vacation and done nothing but have sex."

Minghao coughed but put a finger down.

I could see in my peripheral as Soonyoung stared at me, mouth hanging open, but I pretended not to notice.

Jun just nodded, tongue playing in his cheek as he slowly put his finger down. "So you want to play dirty, huh?"

I continued to watch him, feeling slightly victorious. "Don't act like that wasn't your plan all along."

"Fine." His smile quickly turned devilish as he stared back, and I automatically knew this wasn't going to go well for me. "Never have I ever given it up for an ex I hadn't seen in years."

"Goddammit." I lowered a finger, looking over at Soonyoung to make sure he was doing the same. He wasn't. _Why do I even bother?_

"What?" He gave me a blank look as I narrowed my eyes at him. "I didn't really give anything up though. It's not like I was a virgin, too."

Jun's eyes widened.

"Soonyoung," I said carefully, holding myself back from strangling him on the spot, "first of all, it just means sex, and I think you know that. Secondly, I will _literally_ kill you."

He sheepishly put a finger down, realizing his mistake.

Jun spoke up as he looked back at me, seemingly in disbelief. "You were still..."

"Yes," I said reluctantly as I began massaging my temples, knowing he'd have a field day with this.

"At... what are you? Twenty-seven?" He shook his head. "That's nuts."

"Yeah, well, sorry to disappoint. Not all of us take the train to horny town as soon as we turn sixteen, you know."

"Yeah, but..."

I made a _calm down_ gesture with my hands. "Relax." I turned to toss my cup in the trash can near our table. "I'm pretty tired. Is this nightmare of a game over or what?"

As we said our goodbyes, Minghao and I made sure to exchange numbers.

"Text me whenever," she said with a smile, "and let's hang out sometime, just the two of us."

I nodded, happy to have made a new friend. "Sure, I'd like that."

We were quietly sitting side by side on his couch, my head on his shoulder.

"Can we talk about something?"

Soonyoung looked down at me. "Sure. What's up?"

I sighed, unsure of how to broach the topic.

He pulled away, turning his body to look at me as I moved my head. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no. I've just been curious about something." I knew this conversation likely wouldn't be easy.

"What's that?"

I rubbed my thumb on his hand that I had been holding as I looked up to meet his eyes. "Why did she do that to you?"

He appeared confused. "What are you talking about?"

I sighed. I hadn't really wanted to say the words. "Why did she cheat on you, Soonyoung?"

He stiffened as he turned his head, pulling his hand away. "I don't want to talk about this."

"But I think we should."

"I said _no_." He stood up and walked a few feet away.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, feeling chastised. "I'm sure it still hurts."

He turned around to face me, the look in his eyes intense. "Of _course_ it fucking hurts!"

"Soonyoung, I'm sorry..."

"I pledged myself to her. I devoted myself to her. I did _everything_ for her. All for her to turn around and just... just... slap it in my face." He was gesturing wildly, on the verge of tears. "I did everything for her, and it _still_ wasn't enough."

I opened my mouth to speak but decided against it, knowing it would be best not to interrupt.

"I loved her. I did. And I thought she loved me, too. Why would we get married if we didn't love each other?" A few tears fell down his cheek, and I wanted nothing more than to gently wipe them away. "But my love for her died as soon as she admitted to the affair. I don't think she was even _sorry_."

"I'm so sorry." I was nearly crying myself.

He pressed his fists to his eyes. He had always hated feeling emotional, vulnerable. "I spent so much time wondering where it went wrong. She never gave me a reason, not that it would've mattered in the end."

I sighed, rising to my feet and wrapping my arms around him, though he remained stiff and didn't return the hug. "I wish I knew what to say."

He sniffled.

I placed my head to his chest, feeling his beating heart beneath my ear. "She was lucky to have you. Why would she throw that away?"

He sighed, a shaky sound. "I know she didn't exactly say it, but I kind of always had my suspicions."

I pulled back to look up at him. "Really?"

He continued, wiping his face. He was nearly whispering now. "I think she thought I couldn't give her kids."

I was stunned. I hadn't expected that, not at all. "What? But... you hadn't even been married that long..."

"I know. But the disappointment on her face every time it didn't happen... it hurt. She would say how she just didn't understand, that her cycle had always been normal. She never said it, but I just _knew_ it was my fault."

I hung my head, silently crying now. There was really nothing I could say.

He sniffled again. "And it hurts, wondering if the same thing would happen to you and me."

I hugged him tighter, and he finally returned the gesture. _Do I even want kids?_ I had always thought that maybe I'd have one or two eventually, but it was a big _maybe_ , and it certainly wasn't a dealbreaker.

"Oh, Soonyoung..." I honestly didn't know how to make him feel any better about it or if I even could, but I thought I'd at least try. "Please don't think I'd be upset with you if it turned out that way."

He sighed. "You know," he said as he began gently rubbing my back, "this might sound kinda silly, but, when we were younger, I always wanted you to have my babies someday."

I couldn't help but smile a little. "Babies? As in, more than one?"

"Yeah..." He laughed quietly. "And I guess a part of me still wants that. But maybe hoping for it isn't realistic anymore."

I stepped back to search his eyes. "I would be okay if that wasn't in the stars for us. But would you?"

He studied me for a moment before slowly nodding. "Yes, I think so. I think I'd be okay with a lot of things just knowing you loved me, too."

I closed my eyes as he pressed a sweet kiss to my mouth. "Of course I love you."

I squeezed him tight again, thinking. "Here we are talking about babies, and our parents don't even know about us."

Kissing my temple, he said, "I guess we'll just have to change that soon, won't we?"


	15. Chapter 15

I pulled into the driveway of my parents' house, feeling anxious. Only mom's SUV was in the garage.

I hadn't bothered to call before I drove down, knowing it was a Sunday afternoon and that one or both of them were more than likely to be home. It would have only served to make me more nervous if they knew I was coming. During the nearly thirty minute drive, I had had more than enough time to consider what I would say to them, but still nothing sounded quite right in my head.

I turned my engine off and clicked out of my seatbelt, sitting it silence for a few seconds before working up the nerve to open my car door and walk inside.

"Hey, honey!" I heard my mom greet me from the kitchen as I closed the front door behind myself.

"Hey, mom," I called out, hoping my voice didn't betray the anxiety I felt. I sat on the couch in the living room as she rounded the corner and settled herself down next to me.

"I wasn't expecting you to come down today. How are things going? How's the zoo?"

"Fine, everything's good." I was feeling antsy. "When will Dad be home?"

"Not sure, he left a couple hours ago to go see some friends. Might not be back for a while. Why?"

I sighed. Maybe this would be easier if Dad wasn't here. He had always been harder to face when he was upset.

She appeared concerned. "Is everything okay?"

I nodded. "I just... there's something I need to tell you guys."

"Sure, honey. What is it?" She was looking at me so earnestly, waiting for me to continue. I had to will myself not to burst into tears already.

I looked down at my hands in my lap. "I haven't been honest with you."

She frowned. "What do you mean? About what?"

"Remember when you called me and said your friend had seen me with someone at that Japanese place?"

Nodding, she said, "So that guy _was_ your boyfriend, then?"

"Kind of. We had been seeing each other. I'm sorry, I just wasn't ready to say anything yet. I hated to lie to you." That was the honest truth. I hated lying, and I wasn't good at it, either.

"Well, okay." She didn't sound too upset, but I knew the worst was yet to come. "I can understand if you weren't ready."

I nodded, gathering the strength to tell her what it really was I had been keeping from her and Dad.

"So, what's his name? Where did you meet him?" She was smiling a little, likely excited at the possibility that I was finally seeing someone seriously again after so long.

I shook my head, still not able to fully meet her eyes. "You're not going to like this."

"What do you mean?" She really had no idea.

I took a deep breath, staring at my hands again. "It's Soonyoung. We're seeing each other again."

It was silent for a split second. " _What_?"

I said nothing.

"Are you joking?"

I finally looked up at her. Her eyes were wide, and I could tell she didn't want to believe me.

"No, mom. I'm not joking."

She just stared at me.

"I'm sorry. I knew this would upset you. But things are different this time."

A sigh. " _Please_ don't sit here and act like you weren't absolutely heartbroken over him. Do you know how worried your dad and I were about you? It broke _my_ heart having to hear you cry in your room at night when you thought no one else was awake!"

I closed my eyes as tears began to fall. "I'm sorry, mom..."

"You don't need to be sorry. Just be smart about this."

"I _am_ being smart about it. Believe me, I was hesitant at first, but now..."

"Starting a relationship with him was _not_ smart. I don't like him, and I know your dad would say the same. This is not a good idea." She shook her head.

"I'm not breaking up with him, mom, if that's what you're asking me to do. We're happy. I... I love him." I just knew she thought I was being a silly teenager all over again.

"You _love_ him? You loved him before, and where did that get you?"

She meant the words to knock some sense into me, but they stung. Did she really think I had forgotten everything?

"I know what I'm doing."

"Honey, I don't know if you do. You're smarter than this. I think you're letting your emotions blind you to the reality of how much he put you through. I don't like it."

I sniffled, my face hurting from trying to cry silently. "Do you think people can't change?"

"Of course people can change." She placed a hand on my shoulder. "But that doesn't mean you're obligated to give them a second chance. You forgive them, and you move on."

"What if I don't want to move on?" I was nearly whispering. "What if I want to marry him?"

She stared at me again, shaking her head. "Honey, no. Don't say that. You're worrying me."

I wiped my face. "I'm serious, mom."

"Look at me." I did. "Marrying him will not make us like him. Marrying him will not erase the pain he caused you. Of course I would support _you_ , I love you. But I would not support your choice, I would not support him. I couldn't in good conscience, knowing how he treated you."

I was all but sobbing at her words. "Are you saying you and dad wouldn't come if we did get married?"

She sighed. "I don't know. That would be a really tough choice, and I would hope you wouldn't force us to make it."

I stood to leave, walking to the door and feeling angry through my tears. "I'm sorry I've disappointed you so much. Don't forget to tell Dad so he can yell at me later."

She hurried behind me. "Honey, please. Don't..."

But I had already slammed the door. I all but ran to my car and sped out of the driveway.

My vision was blurry as I drove a little too fast back to my place. I had known this wouldn't go well, but to hear that they likely wouldn't even support us at our wedding? That hurt like a bitch. But honestly, how could I blame them? He crushed their little girl's heart. Parents like mine don't let things like that go.

_"It broke my heart having to hear you cry..."_

The tears kept spilling over. I thought they would never stop.

When I got back home, I replenished Sunny's food and water before changing into my pajamas. It was only 3:30, but I was going to bed. I had zero energy left.

When I unlocked my phone to set an alarm for the morning so I wouldn't be late for work, I swiped away a couple messages from Soonyoung. I didn't feel like talking to him.

As I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to my cat crunch on her food in the next room, I couldn't help but wonder all over again.

_Is Mom right? Am I being stupid? Have I forgiven too easily? Have I been silly in thinking this could turn out better than before?_

It hurt, thinking she might be right. It all hurt so much. I loved him so much.

But how realistic was any of this?


End file.
